Life Perspective

Yesterday I recieved a call from my Mother and she was hysterical... crying, lack or breath, the whole nine yards = I freaked out internally. I am extremely good at hiding my emotions on the outside especially from people who do not know me that well. So my mom had go to the ER because she was experiencing intense back pain and I had to leave work (the ONE week I am in charge) and on the drive to the hospital (probably the longest drive ever) I really thought how in one moment your life can change and everything is all at once put into perspective. What matters. What does not matter. What matters at the time. But of course right after something like that when it is all fine and things are back to normal so many people are so quick to forget that perspective. I am surely one of those people. I have had well life happen many times and while I like to think that I learn from it all, I forget just as easily. About a year and a half ago I had a friend pass away and I vowed to her and to myself to never forget how short life is and to do something everyday that makes me happy. Months after this happened I took my first job out of college and I was absolutely MISERABLE for about nine months until I woke up one day and realized that it was not worth it and that I deserved better. And now I find myself rereading my past entry and realizing that while my feelings were hurt, I should have siezed the moment and just been happy to have friends and life. My friend that passed was so certain of her purpose in life and so sure of who she was and what she wanted and it was something that everyone admired her so much for because any other 21 year old girl has NO idea. This just leads me to my final thought for this entry... she had such a purpose and was taken, so what is my purpose if I am still here? Was what happened just a reminder to us all that we have a short life and to live it to its fullest potential everyday? Perspective.

One of the many things I do not understand..

So as I am only 23 there are many things in this world that I do not understand and I may never come to understand. I have two that I need to discuss today.

One is that I recently when to visit a male friend,B, in Madison (just a friend I must add) and the entire weekend he had this other girl I will call Mouse following him around. Apparently B and Mouse have been friends for years even though I had only recently heard of her and b and I have been extremely close friends for about 5 years. So Mouse has a boyfriend of 7 years and for some reason she hooked up w/ B the weekend before I went to Madison (no sex though). Anyways when I arrived in Madison and lets keep in mind that I went to Madison not only to see B because hes my best friend and I hadn't seen him in almost 7 months (how does that happen) but because I had been having an awful week and just really needed a friend so he had suggested I come. OK so I get there and hes making me dinner (so cute right) and well Mouse shows up... which is fine I am all about meeting friends of a friend, but she completely ignores the fact that I am there and when I go introduce myself she is just like yup I know. ok... well what the fuck is your name? Well to make a long story short she spent the ENTIRE weekend with B and I. Literally those first moments when I arrived where the only alone time we had. She also proceeded to sleep over both nights in his bed while he slept on the floor in the living room and I slept on the couch. Did I mention she lives down the road. Seriously this is just unfathomable to me. I dont know whether my annoyances and disappointment with the weekend allow me to be angry, but I am angry. I am angry B just didn't ask her to go home and I am angry I wasted a weekend. I dont want to be the 'jealous' friend who gets mad when she visits so I am having such difficulty going about telling B that I am upset. I just wanted to spend time with my best friend, why is that so hard?

This leads me to the other frustration in Madison. I went with my friend E and she was visiting one of our sorority sisters who she had not seen in about 7 months because E had been abroad. Well when E got there our friend would not spend ONE minute with E if her new boyfriend was not there. So basically same situation just slightly different which leads me to my conclusion of WHY!? WHY?! Do people lose their independence so easily with a boyfriend or girlfriend comes along? How is there not that balance... and why do friends put up with it. The relationship will end and that friend will just call you up expecting things to be the same when in reality hello years have gone by and I have been busy too I just can't drop everything to be your friend all over again. When I have a boyfriend I hope that I remember what it is to be a good friend and not assume that if I am invited somewhere that automatically invites my boyfriend.

E and I should have stayed in Chicago and saved our money.

This is already a long entry, but I said there were two things on my mind and here is the second one. I feel I should have brought this up sooner, but here it is. I have a thing with this guy who lives in AZ so we will call him Zona. Well this thing with Zona has been going on for like two years, we met in college and when I got back from Ireland we started this long distance thing. Its not a relationship because I very much still do what I want, but its more than a friendship. I care about him very much and I know he cares for me as well, but we are so far apart. The other part of the equation is that I am unsure if I like him for him or him because hes far away and it is convient for me because I still think my emotions and ability to let go are just as far away. I have let myself like him and I have let him in more than anyone else, but at the same time I still feel like so much of this exists in my head. He knows me better than anyone in the world and I don't know how becuase we haven't spent that much time together. Granted we talk a lot and I am able to be so honest with him which I have a hard time doing with other people for fear of rejection. So whenever I question what Zona and I have, he always reassures me that my friends don't understand it because they have never had what we have. Well on my bday he asked me to go on a trip with him. This is huge, previously we had just taken trips to see each other but not just a trip together. I am terrified of him hurting me, and I am terrified of wasting so much time on him. I haven't dated other men because I am emotionally invested with Zona and it has been two years but I am not entirely certain that even after this trip things will be official with Zona. Official is the wrong word, I do not want to be his girlfriend I don't need that label, I just want him to tell me that I am the one for him. He knows that I feel that way about him and I am fairly certain it goes both ways. I am just terrified of being say 28 or 30 and still invested in this and realizing that he will never change and its always just going to be him and I taking trips with no full commitment. Zona and I have discussed ending the long distance thing in a year and moving to a new place for the both of us, which we agreed would be the most fair thing to do. Should I hold out for what I know in my heart or should I find someone else? My friends always tell me they are afraid the perfect guy is going to come along and I am going to miss it, but I always say "if the perfect guy for me comes along then he will fight hard enough for me to notice"

The second portion of my entry made no real points or most likely was no coherent, but it is what it is. It is Zona and I in a nutshell.

Until next time,
WS

My First Entry

Hello bloggers!!

Recently I have been reading a friend's blog and finally I thought to myself what a great thing to do. Writing can be so therapeutic... I have done the online journals before, but have yet to keep up with them, but I figured I would give this a whirl anyways.

So how about a little background?
A little over a year ago I graduated from college (yay!) and then my 'life' started. Well umm hi, did I mention that I forgot to plan for life after college? That must sound really silly I know, but here is the thing: my whole life all I ever heard was College. Go to college. Graduate college. Do well in high school to go to college. Well that is what I did... I went to college. I gradated. Now what? Anyone else ever experience this? So yeah college was great... time of my life blah blah blah. I made amazing friends, I studied abroad (best 5 months of my life), I learned more about myself in 4 years than I did in 18, I was involved, I loved class, and then I graduated. Let the panic begin. Well like those who graduate with absolutely no idea what else they would like their life to hold, I took the 3rd job offered to me. I then proceeded to move to Chicago on a whim and work at possibly the most miserable sales job in existence. After about 9 months, I realized life is too short to be so miserable and I quit now I work for the family company until I get my act together.

Thus begins the quarterlife crisis and where I am currently at in my life. I also had a lot of time to myself to think and to do some soul searching... I realized a lot. I am not who my friends think I am. I honestly have no idea what I want in life. I constantly make rash decisions and then talk myself out of them only to talk myself back into them months later. I am emotionally shut off. I am quick to judge other people and find out what is wrong in their life, but am blind to my own faults. I expect greatness from myself but I allow others to make me doubt that greatness. I am terrified of failure. I am obsessive compulsive but only when I chose to be.

SO as you can see, I have some things I need to hash out and I hope that by writing them down and talking them through with myself I will slowly be able to figure out who I am and more of what I want. Everyone is so quick to give advice when I express the lost feeling that I have... but perhaps I need to find the answer for myself and just need someone to talk to in the meantime.